Rule #8. Manager Mirror.

Missed step that fails onboarding!

Why do so many conflicts arise between managers and employees within the first year? It’s often because managers assume their direct reports are just like them. But here’s the reality: they’re not. And employees often forget that managers are still humans. This is where the “Manager Mirror” exercise comes in—managers need to look in the mirror first, understand their own preferences and biases, and then stop assuming their employees operate the same way. Instead, they should ask critical questions to understand their employees, and vice versa. Managers need to start though.

The "Manager Mirror" isn't just about managers understanding their employees; it's also about employees understanding their managers. A successful working relationship is a two-way street, where both sides need to be on the same page about how they operate, what motivates them, and how they prefer to give and receive feedback. Same in the family, in fact. Learn your love languages.

Let me share a personal experience. Few years ago I made what I now consider my biggest hiring mistake ever. Everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong. We had completely opposite lifestyles, values, and understandings of recognition and support. At one point I thought I was doing something special by negotiating a surprise salary increase for this person, planning to reveal it within the timeframe we initially discussed, or even earlier. I believed this would show how much I valued her work—because that’s how I would have wanted to be recognized. But for her, the lack of reassurance in every meeting made her feel neglected and undervalued. She interpreted my silence as indifference, while I saw it as a way to show respect and trust. There was no wrong or right; we just didn’t align from day one. Both of us got hurt big time and got to the point of no return. Believe me, I know.

This misalignment led to countless misunderstandings and a working relationship that never fully clicked. Looking back, I realize that we missed a critical step: taking the time to truly understand each other’s working styles, values, and needs from the very beginning.

So, what should you check in on during those crucial first one-on-ones? The purpose of the “Manager Mirror” check-in is to bridge the gap of understanding between managers and employees. During the first two one-on-ones, both the manager and the employee should cover essential areas like recognition preferences, communication styles, and support needs. The goal is to ensure that both parties are on the same page, laying the groundwork for a successful working relationship.

Here’s what you should discuss—both ways:

1. Recognition Preferences:

   How does each person like to be recognized? Publicly or privately? Weekly or quarterly? With a promotion, a simple thank-you, or maybe a lunch out? We’re all different, and assuming that others want the same type of recognition we do is a mistake. For example, I’ve always liked being recognized in front of the entire company, even though it made me super shy. But I’ve had colleagues who would have burned with embarrassment in that situation. Managers need to know how their team members prefer to be acknowledged, and employees should understand how their manager likes to be recognized as well. It’s a critical part of building mutual respect.

   
   

2. Communication Style:

   How does each person prefer to communicate? Does the employee like detailed emails, quick chats, or formal meetings? Does the manager prefer daily updates or weekly check-ins? Understanding this early on can prevent frustration and ensure smoother interactions. It’s about aligning on how information is shared and how often, so neither of you is left guessing. Both the manager and the employee should be clear about their communication preferences to avoid misunderstandings.

   
   

3. Feedback Preferences:

   How does each person prefer to give and receive feedback? Does the employee want feedback immediately after an event, or would they prefer to discuss it in a scheduled meeting? Does the manager appreciate direct, no-nonsense feedback, or do they need it delivered in a more measured, constructive way? Understanding each other’s feedback preferences can make these sessions more productive and less stressful for both sides.

   
   

4. Support and Work Style:

   What does support look like for each person? Some people appreciate frequent check-ins and reassurances, while others prefer autonomy and trust until they ask for help. Discuss how both the manager and the employee handle uncomfortable situations. Does one need a break when things get tough, while the other prefers to push through and resolve issues immediately? These insights will help tailor your approach to each other and avoid unnecessary tension.

   
   

5. Motivation and Rewards:

   What motivates each person? Is the employee driven by career advancement, learning opportunities, or a healthy work-life balance? Does the manager value hitting targets, leading successful projects, or developing their team? Understanding what drives each other will help you keep the relationship productive and satisfying. It ensures that both parties are working towards goals that are meaningful to them.

Why is this so important? Because when managers push employees too hard without understanding their needs, or when employees misunderstand their managers' expectations, it creates an environment of stress and frustration. This leads to underperformance and, eventually, turnover. However, when you take the time to align your expectations and preferences, you create a supportive environment where both parties feel understood and valued. This not only improves performance but also enhances job satisfaction and retention.

To make this process easier, I’ve created a practical tool: a detailed alignment table that you can use during these early check-ins. Each topic is broken down into subcategories, allowing for a deeper discussion to truly understand what makes each person tick. Discuss not only what each item means to you but also rate its importance on a scale of 1 to 10. Quantifying these preferences helps align two unique individuals right from the start. And yes, this applies to how you give feedback to each other too—what are the signals for “stop, I need a break,” and how do you both act in uncomfortable situations?

Potential Excel Sheet Tabs & Categories

1. Recognition Style

   • Public/Private

   • Frequency

   • Type (Verbal, Written, Monetary, etc.)

2. Communication Style

   • Method (Email, IM, In-Person, etc.)

   • Frequency (Daily, Weekly, As Needed)

   • Tone (Formal, Informal, Balanced)

3. Feedback Style

   • Timing (Immediate, Planned Sessions)

   • Delivery (Direct, Measured, Constructive)

   • Setting (Private, Public, Informal)

4. Support Needed

   • Check-In Frequency (Daily, Weekly, Bi-weekly)

   • Level of Autonomy (High, Medium, Low)

   • Type of Support (Detailed Guidance, Broad Objectives)

5. Handling Uncomfortable Situations

   • Stress Signals (Avoidance, Silence, Defensive, etc.)

   • Preferred Response (Give Space, Address Directly)

6. Motivation and Rewards

   • Career Growth (Promotion, Lateral Moves)

   • Learning Opportunities (Formal Training, On-the-Job)

   • Work-Life Balance (Flexible Hours, Fixed Hours)

Manager-Employee Alignment Table Filled Example

Check-In Topic	Subcategory	Employee’s Preference	Manager’s Preference	Employee’s Importance (1-10)	Manager’s Importance (1-10)	Notes
Recognition Style	Public/Private	Private recognition in one-on-one meetings	Public recognition in team meetings	8	7	Employee feels embarrassed with public praise, Manager values team-wide recognition
	Frequency	Monthly	Quarterly	7	6
	Type	Verbal praise	Written email	6	5	Employee prefers personal, verbal thanks, Manager prefers written communication
Communication Style	Method	Quick chats (in-person or IM)	Detailed emails	9	8	Manager prefers written documentation, Employee values quick informal communication
	Frequency	Daily check-ins	Weekly check-ins	7	6
	Tone	Informal	Formal	5	7
Feedback Style	Timing	Immediate feedback	Planned feedback sessions	8	6	Employee prefers instant, actionable feedback, Manager prefers planned sessions
	Delivery	Direct	Measured	9	7	Both parties value constructive feedback, though Manager prefers a balanced approach
	Setting	Private	Private	10	10	Both agree on private feedback sessions
Support Needed	Check-In Frequency	Weekly	Bi-weekly	7	6	Employee values regular reassurance, Manager prefers less frequent check-ins
	Level of Autonomy	High autonomy with occasional guidance	Medium autonomy with more frequent check-ins	6	7
	Type of Support	Clear instructions and deadlines	Broad objectives and flexibility	7	7
Handling Uncomfortable Situations	Stress Signals	Becoming quiet, avoiding eye contact	Getting defensive, short responses	8	8	Employee prefers to take a short break when stressed, Manager prefers to address issues immediately
	Preferred Response	Offering support without pushing	Directly addressing the issue	7	7	Manager prefers direct communication, Employee needs space to process
Motivation and Rewards	Career Growth	Promotion opportunities	Skill development	8	9	Employee values career progression, Manager prioritizes skill development
	Learning Opportunities	Formal training sessions	On-the-job learning	9	7	Manager prefers experiential learning, Employee prefers structured training
	Work-Life Balance	Flexible hours	Fixed hours	7	6	Employee has family commitments, Manager values consistency in hours

How to Use the Table:

• Discuss Both Ways: During your one-on-ones, both the manager and the employee should fill out this table together. Each party’s preferences and importance ratings are recorded to ensure mutual understanding.

• Quantify Importance: The importance column allows you to quantify how crucial each preference is to both the employee and the manager. This can highlight areas where compromise or additional discussion may be necessary.

• Make Notes: Use the notes section to capture any specific nuances or details that might help in understanding each other better.

This mutual understanding can prevent many common onboarding issues, ensuring that both parties feel valued and supported in their roles.

To take this understanding to the next level, I'd suggest checking out book Leadership is Half the Story by Marc and Samantha Hurwitz. This book goes deeper into the dynamics of leadership and followership, reminding us that great leadership isn't just about directing—it’s about truly understanding the needs of those you lead and building strong, two-way relationships from day one.